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Why Communication Fails and How to Fix It

Writer's picture: Peter AndersonPeter Anderson


Communication can be very challenging. One reason it is so difficult is that many people struggle to clearly express their needs. In my counseling experience, I’ve often observed that people have a hard time identifying what their needs are. To address this, I use an acronym from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) called DEAR MAN. It serves as a practical framework for effective communication. Here’s what the acronym stands for:

 

- D: Describe what’s happening without judgment. 

- E: Express your emotions. 

- A: Assert your need. 

- R: Reinforce how meeting your need will benefit the relationship. 

 

- M: Stay Mindful if the other person appears defensive. 

- A: Appear confident. 

- N: Negotiate with flexibility. 

 

What I love about this tool is its clarity. It provides a structured approach to communicating with others. However, one of the greatest challenges many people face is asserting their needs. Why is this so difficult? Often, individuals focus too much on others’ needs or expect the other person to intuitively understand their own needs. Other times, people may not fully understand their own emotions or even what they’re trying to communicate. 

 

The most crucial element in communication is isolating your need and expressing it in a way that is clear, understandable, simple, and constructive. Before becoming upset with a partner, friend, colleague, or anyone else, ask yourself: Have I communicated my need as clearly as possible? If you have, then your work is done. Take a step back and allow the other person to either respect your need or, at the very least, validate your perspective to improve the relationship. Many times, relationships become strained because people overwork themselves emotionally, trying to compensate for unclear communication. However, overworking is pointless when the need is already identified and clearly stated.

 

Another common concern is the fear of appearing too dependent if you articulate your needs. This worry is valid—no one wants to be perceived as overly reliant in a relationship where one person is constantly giving and the other is always asking. However, this imbalance often points to a deeper issue: a lack of clarity about your core need. When people nitpick about multiple minor needs, it’s usually because they haven’t pinpointed what truly matters to them. Once they identify their core need, they tend to relax and become more flexible. 

 

In communication, it’s essential to distinguish between general needs and core needs—those fundamental needs you cannot live without. Ask yourself: 

- Does this person respect what’s most important to me? 

- Do they honor my values? 

- Do I honor theirs? 

 

If the answer is no, contempt is likely creeping into the relationship, which can be highly damaging. 

 

Ultimately, the key to effective communication is expressing your needs clearly and assertively. Focus on isolating the specific need relevant to the conflict and articulating it in a way that is fair to both you and the other person. There’s no need to apologize for having a need, though you might apologize for not communicating it sooner.

 

Communication is indeed hard work, but not because it’s inherently difficult. Rather, it feels hard because we often fail to be mindful and present with ourselves. By understanding and articulating our needs in the context of our relationships, we can build stronger, healthier connections.

 

 

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